I woke up this morning and my friend was lying in bed next to me. We had fallen asleep around 11 pm last night, fairly early for the both of us. But we woke up at 9 am and decided to go out and grab some pancakes. I don't know why but when I woke up, I felt kind of empty. Throughout my life, I've been to 6 different psychologists, in my college, outside of college, and outside of the U.S. They all diagnosed me with Chronic Depression but they did not take extreme measures because they said I was not a harm to myself or others around me; I was just a kid who needed to find a reason to live.
On our way to get breakfast, I felt completely devoid. We were on the highway and passed by a nasty accident; couldn't see any people besides cops and medics by an ambulance and I was so distracted, I almost hit another car on the right lane at 80 miles per hour. My friend grabbed the wheel and turned it to straighten me out. He panicked but I felt completely devoid.
We got to the restaurant and sat down and ordered our food and while we spoke and he chewed me out for being distracted and uncaring, all I could think about was the accident. The people may have very well been in horrible condition or worse; dead. But the sky was still blue. The cars all around were still driving to and from their destinations. We still ate breakfast before going back home and composing music all day. You didn't even know about this accident. And the people? If they're dead, the only people who care are their immediate circle of loved ones. If they have any.
I realized how uncaring life and reality is. I realized how meaningless things really are. Then, being the depressed shit that I am, tonight I sat by my window and stared at the moon for a good hour. No stars. Just the moon, staring back at me with the same eagerness that I put into my daily routines: none. I started thinking about life, about organisms, the complex chemistry behind the biology of all living things, the way physics is weaved in every aspect of reality yet it is possible to completely comprehend. The fact that we are composed of the same material as the stars that are millions of lightyears away.
We are not unique.
There has to be something out there, older than us, uncaring but wise. Devoid of emotion. Something so great, so massive, so influential in our universe, that the human mind could never comprehend it for we are too small. We are but a single skin cell on the surface of the flesh but they are the heart and vessels themselves and we may never meet. Even if we did, they may not care for us. They would not care if humanity was existent or nonexistent for they have accomplished far more than us and we are but primal beings.
Infants, in retrospect.
So let me ask you a question, why the fuck do you care about life?
p.s. I am not asking this with hopes of pissing you off and invalidating all that you care for. I am asking this to read your response with this whole exposition in mind. I'm just curious and for those who are curious as to why the fuck I care about life: Even if I was gone and only my parents cared, I would no longer be able to play music and music is the only thing that pleases me in life anymore. If I were gone, I would no longer have my selfish self-satisfaction that I gain from playing melodies. That is why I fucking care.
Deep man Deep,,,, U-U But what makes me care about life is the enjoyment I get from doing the things I love to do. I'm not rich ._. I still have family problems at home, Everywhere I go I see poverty, and I'm not fully happy but as long as I have a purpose to keep moving on in life I think that's what matters to me the most. I enjoy nature, it's peaceful it's like an escape from all the stupid shit and the family problems I have with my dad. Walking at a park and getting to listen to music it's amazing, you have no one to bother you about anything. Seeing the sun set from a view and seeing a little snail slowly climb up a leaf it just brings a tear in my eye. And also video games! I get enjoyment from going to another world. A virtual world instead of living the real world and it just amazes me. Also a computer is really my enjoyment for everything. Ever since I saw my uncle with a computer I've been so inspired and so interested in it. Because I always thought to myself how can this big box... DO THAT!!! I think if it weren't for my uncle I don't I would have the power to really move on from my life. I may not be the happiest person in the world... I may not have everything I want in life, Hell I might not even make it to college .-. But as long as I have the enjoyment, I get from life as long as I'm inspired and have a purpose to work with something that i love doing, Then life will always matter to me.
For me, it honestly depends on the day.
Some days, I feel like there's no point to doing anything. I sit behind a screen and play games, or stare at the ceiling, or reread the same page of a book 3 times still not registering what the words in front of me say. Those are the days that I feel empty, or like there's no real use in getting on with my day. Those also tend to be the days that I feel the worst about myself.
On a good day, or even a normal day rather, I will at least put the effort in to try and clean up after myself and the people I live with, I take my time to put love into the dinners I make for everyone, I give the cats a couple extra head pats and even a treat if they've behaved. The moments when I see someone's eyes light up when they taste a bite of food I just spend a couple hours working on, or hearing my cats purr and give me a nuzzle to thank me for caring for them, or even just a simple thank you for doing something makes me smile to myself and blush a bit.
There's plenty of days that I quietly suffer even while I work to support the people in my life in whatever way I can, where I wonder if I should give up, stop trying, just let life move on without me.
As a personal experiment I once tried that, I quit doing chores, stopped making dinner without people asking me to, stopped doing the little things that people take for granted. The impact it made on the house was huge, the way things built up, the neglect that happened, the lack of enthusiasm in anything. It made me realize that even if people don't give me recognition for the things that I do, it's still necessary. People still appreciate the effort.
The spontaneous batch of cookies is sometimes what makes a long day at work feel less stressful when my boyfriend or roommate come home. Doing the extra load of dishes even when my back feels like it's got pins and needles makes the kitchen feel more open and makes the evening chores of cooking and cleaning easier later in the day. Giving the cats some extra attention makes the whole atmosphere of the house feel happier when they're in a good mood.
The way I ultimately see it is why should I expect someone to care about me if I don't care about them? So even when my efforts are overlooked, when people don't want to try, I still do. Sometimes I even do it in spite of them, just to show that I've got the stronger will. The ability to smile and offer a hand out to someone even when they can't look me in the eye.
On one hand it's true that we're not truly unique, and that ultimately our impact on the world around us is limited in the grand scheme of things, but importance is relative. Perhaps we're not important to the great cosmic equation, to higher beings, or celebrities, or whatever. But on the small scale, in our own personal bubbles, we're important. Every animal that looks to you for shelter and love, every friend that confides in you, every family member that has ever smiled and silently hopes for you to succeed in life, that's who we matter to. That's what's worth caring about.