I have to take it out, somehow

  • I never really thought that i would actually publish what is happening with my whole family! But here i  am, i guess...


    I have a warning to do first.

    I don't write this blog for pity. I write it cause its finally time to talk about it, to get some advices and helps. I write it cause...I can't anymore... I dislike pity,  so if you have pity on me or something else, please dont even bother to comment or talk to me, thank you. Also, there are going to be some grammatic errors and mistakes, cause my native language isnt english so....bare  with me.

    and It's big, so grab some popcorn and some drinks and...idk...good luck...

    End of the warning!



    So, as the first born daughter, my family always had high expectations on me. I am the smarter and the kindest sister...this is what they say ( i actually believe that i am smart lol). Since childhood, i was always looking after my small sister, i wanted to be her ideal person in her life, since i didnt have one. I tried to be caring and ignore the teases she was doing. I was scared that i might hurt her (now that  i am writing this entry its 6am and i didnt sleep all night, my mom opened the door, looked at me and said "Go to hell" and closed the door....yes, that happened now...).

    My parents arent strict or something like that! But, they mental abuse me and sometimes i feel like they think its normal, like they dont do anything bad or something like that. I never wanted to be like them. They always say that everything is my fault, like i am serious! Once my sister broke my laptop and my father was like that:

    dad-Its your fault for giving it to her!

    me- why?

    -if you didnt let her have it, she wouldnt hae break it! Now, is it my fault if we are not going to fix it?

    -wait, i dont understand why its my faut!

    -It is yours ,right?


    -And I told you to take care of it, right?

    -Right!But i was showerin-

    -i dont care, you shouldnt have let her get it!

    -She is big enough to take care of my stuff! I trusted her with iving her my laptop, also didnt you say that i should share it with her?

    -Indeed. blah blah blah

    and he was doing that for 6 months... 6 MONTHS!!!! It was not my freaking fault, why was he doing that to ME?!?!?!


    Another thing they do, "Oh~ And you like to be pitiful~ And you like to be pitiful~ And if you are the weak chain, they will not like you..." and blah blah blah... I HATE BEING PITIFUL!!!!!!! I.HATE.IT. I've told them at least one million time a freaking year!!!! Like, what the hell, pal! Put it in your freaking brain that i d-i-s-l-i-k-e i-t!!!!!!!! I dont like being sad! I dont like having all the attention  on me ( when that happens i am panicking, like wth)


    They are fakes! They are the worst back stabbers in the history of back stabbers!!!! Like, calm down mah dudes!!! And they always say bad stuff in front and behind of my back... I am so lucky (sarcasm)


    My father is very dangerous and violent when he gets angry! Like, he looks like a murderer when he gets angry!!! We (me, mom and my lil sis) are so scared of him and we...no, they  try not to make him angry, like,they always agree with him!!! For example:

    dad- Why are you cutting?

    me- *panicking* (when i panic, i say random stuff, i dont make any sense! Cause , obviously, i am panicking) {said a false reason why cause i was panicked}

    dad- *takes my phone and throws it towards me* (my dad is always at the gym and he can lift 100kg, imagine get slapped by him)

    me- *manages to avoid it* ... *getting even more panicked and scared af* (the phone broke, obviously)

    dad- WHY DID YOU DO THAT? *takes a bottle and throws it to my face* 

    me- *didnt manage to avoid it* ouch * i got soooo scared that i started crying*

    dad- WHYYYYYYYY????? *starts hitting me*

    mom- .... *remains silent*

    dad- Next time you do this, i will sent you to a psycho clinic MYSELF *opens the door and leaves*


    Just....imagine how much it hurted.... My mom then tried to comfort me but i said "You didnt stop him! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!" and she just...left...

    Example no.2: dad- [My name and My sisters name] bring me some water (the fridge was right behind him)

    me & my sister- *playing chess and we are near to end the game* wait until we finish the game.

    dad- * 1 min later* bring water

    us- wait

    dad- *stands up, goes near us, start kicking the shit out of the chess board and started chasing us*

    I managed to get out before i got slapped, but my sister wasnt lucky enough...

    Do you understand what i mean?


    Also, they always call me bad names! Like, i am sooooo used of being called bitch, useless, good for nothing, lazy ass, asshole and stuff like that....they also call us dirty and stuff like that...


    They never listen to what we have to say! Like, they think that only their opinion is correct...


    They never believe me! I am honest for fucks sake!!!! They never believe that i am hurt or sick...until i am getting in a really bad level......


    My family believes that i am irresponsible.....they dont trust me, they say bad things behind of my back......My granparents said to my parents that i am the reason why they stoppedhelping them with their economics....sorry but...WHAT HAVE I DONE TO FUCKING DESERVE ALL THESE???


    I AM NOT WHAT THEY THING I AM ! I AM NOT ONLY SLEEPING, EATING, POOPING OR BEING LAZY!!! I have my own fucking demons!!!  I have so many of them that i cant anymore!!! 


    I JUST CANT!!!


    I am always thinking of something useful! Always searching for informations! Always thinking of my fucking future!!!Always searching of ways to be positive, to be healthy and stuff like that!!! 


    They are judging me, my opinions, my hobbies, my friends and everything about me!!!! Even tho, they know nothing about me!!!! 




    This is for now....i have more but....its already big so....another fucking time!\


    But...you dont go to a person that caught a flu and mentally are shit and tell them that everything its their fucking fault.... 


  • CaptNecrophiliac likes this
  • CaptNecrophiliac
    CaptNecrophiliac i am sorry you are going through this my parents abused me mentally for years. cause i am disabled i wasnt able to move out.
    July 18, 2018 - 1 likes this - Report
  • silence
    silence they dont believe in me! I was trying to be the perfect daughter but they never respected it...I became rebellious over their reactions this year! But nothing is changing!!!!!!!!
    July 19, 2018 - 1 likes this - Report