My struggle with anorexia

  • Ahhh so I don't really know why I'm doing this but I guess it's mostly cause I don't talk to anyone about it and I need to get some shit off my chest. I don't even really care if anyone reads this it's more so for my own personal therapy.

    So lately I've been noticing something. I guess you could say I have an eating disorder that I didn't even know I had. Well I guess I did know I was just in denial because I'm not skinny enough to class myself as anorexic. For the past 4 years I've struggled with my weight. When I was 15 I starved myself for a month and developed a stomach ulcer. I recovered but lately I'm slipping into old habits. The thing that made me notice is I've dropped 33 pounds in the last few months out of seemingly nowhere. I'm a coffee drinker and a smoker. Which means when I consume these two products they suppress my appetite. Once I realised what was making me lose the weight I started becoming obsessed with it. I drink coffee and smoke cigarettes all day and then eat something at maybe 6pm and then I'm good for the night until the next day when I repeat the cycle. What was before something I didn't even notice I was doing has now become my whole life and I don't know how to stop it. I feel guilty if I eat anything over 300 calories, or any time I eat in general. I am technically underweight, being 5'8 and 119 pounds, but I'm afraid if I start eating a normal diet again I will just pile on the weight again. I've come from 154 pounds down to 119 and I stupidly feel proud of myself for my achievement, for something I was never able to achieve all those years ago. I know I'm not being smart so I don't need any hate for this.. I just wanted to talk about it. It's already taking over my life and it's as though I've trained my brain to feel happy when I'm hungry, or when I eat nothing. When I was 18 I started using drugs, which caused me not to eat for up to a day after taking them. It would get to a point where I would use 3 or 4 times a week. This also contributed to my appetite just killing itself off. I do still use occasionally but not so much anymore. I don't even really know where I'm going with this anymore but I suppose just as a message to anyone reading this. Don't do the shit I did. Don't take drugs and don't obsess over your weight because I'm already in too deep.

Comments

5 comments
  • EmmaEsseker
    EmmaEsseker Awh haha thank you man
    August 15, 2018 - 1 likes this
  • NoSnoKing
    NoSnoKing Heres a real diet...
    2 slices of roast beef
    1 medium sized scoop of lettuce(make a salad)
    1 small scoop of...  more
    August 30, 2018 - 1 likes this
  • EmmaEsseker
    EmmaEsseker 165 is too heavy for my height though. Normal weight for me would be 125-130
    August 30, 2018
  • NoSnoKing
    NoSnoKing Try it. Although its different for everyone
    September 6, 2018