Impending Madness

  • Like someone abused, I get used to the pain.... Actually, as I child I remember telling myself that it doesn't matter....... Just like the pain, everything else wrong just feels normal. So what I can't sleep, so what I can't eat, so what I get sick. Does it really matter, is it any different than yesterday, or the day before.......

    Another restless night, and I don't know what else to do with the hours.... Laying here thinking, questioning life, I seem to only sleep enough for my dreams to remind me of the things I lost.... Some vodka and whiskey, and maybe I sleep, but I learn it makes me more honest.... It's funny, I've always prided myself on honesty, but I try to keep some things buried, and the only thing that helps me sleep, also brings them to the surface....

    Going to hell for someone is one thing, I thought about it a lot, the integrity to say I'd take a bullet, and actually follow through.... If I burned in hell for someone I loved, how long before I regretted it, or hated them for it, or would the reason be enough.... I lost my home, ended up on the street, and when I was most vulnerable, my closest friend betrays me, and has me locked up for months.... No one ever told me why, or asked me if I deserved it, and I just swallowed my tongue, and let her have her way.... Without even complaining, I willingly walked into hell, without an explanation, or knowing why.... Some of my best friends turned against me for reasons I'll probably never know, and I just accepted it,... I didn't understand, but I let it happen.......

    People say a lot of things they don't mean,... I never wanted to be like them....... My worst fears, and nightmares, my own personal hell.... "I'd go through hell for you".... I asked myself if those words had meaning, and now that hell is my life....... My family doesn't understand, and I get tired of talking about it,... I don't hate her, I don't entirely blame her.... Years of this nightmare I've been condemned to, and through the smoke I don't even know why, what it was for,... somehow, I just hope she's happy.... That's not even sarcasm, I really always put her happiness before my own.... I'd bite my tongue, walk away,... I'd put my life on the line to protect her, and just as I've said, if somehow I had to suffer for her to be ok, I'd do it.... As damaged, and broken as I've become, I wish I knew the answers to these questions,... I just wish I knew why,... but still, more than anything, I just keep asking myself,... was it worth it....... Living my worst nightmares every day, living in my hell,... was it worth it,... is this where I belong.......

    I feel pretty eaten alive, and empty, like something crucial is missing, something vital ripped away, like the engine out of a car.... I've fought against it for years, but I still consumes me.... It's hard saying that word,... "years".... I never imagined I'd have to live,... no,... exist like this, for so long, not living, just stagnant, frozen, dead inside, like I'm just waiting for the final hours, or some kind of miracle....... Days, weeks, months,... a year or 2,... but 7...? The thought of it, like I can't deny that I'm trapped here anymore.... Most people wouldn't understand, I got locked up only for a few months, but the hell, the nightmare, started before then, and hasn't ended, hasn't let go of me.... People won't understand, that being locked away was nothing compared to this,... if I could go back, I'd go through it all again, to be where we were....... Even going back, it feels so far away now,... but perhaps it's all that's left, phantom memories haunting me, and ahead, just more restless nights.......



    I don't want to hear anymore condescension, or empty advice.... Go to therapy, get medication, smoke some weed.... People won't understand, and I don't care anymore.... I am who I am, my nature is my own,... if to save your child, or the love of your life, you had to lose your arm, or your legs, would you do it...? That's insane. Would you someday hate them for it? That's horrible.... Still, there's people who sacrifice, and they don't hold it over the person, they just live with it....... It can never be fixed, or made right, I'll never have my home, or my hopes, my dreams,... I'll never get back the years I've lost, and I'll never be able to live without these scars, and the damage in my soul....... I hate people acting like they can fix me, or like I haven't even tried,... I tried desperately to find some kind of normalcy....... After the years, I just can't ignore it anymore, I can't pretend things are ok.......

    To tell the truth, a secret I don't share often,... my heart was always everything to me.... I never cared about being smart, or strong, I never cared about being popular, or successful. All I ever cared about was my heart, all I ever lived by was my heart, it was practically the entirety of my being....... My heart beat for the dream, and hope of love,... not to sound cheesy, but seriously, to know my life makes a difference, to die knowing that because I existed, someone was happier than they would have been without me.... I needed that in my life, validation of my existence, not wealth, fame, or success, I needed to know I made a personal difference to someone's life for who I am.... No doctor, drug, or anything else will ever change that....... Just over 7 years ago, I felt like I'd die, like any kind of living would just be over for me, and then my heart slowly got ripped out of my chest....... 2 years getting torn apart, and 5 years to accept it, like I person accepting they'll never walk again....... Despite all my efforts, I realize no one can replace the dream I lost, no one can give me that kind of hope, and in the absence of that,... the absence is my hell, as if all there is, is just pain, till I finally stop breathing.......



    If I don't die soon, maybe I'll just start writing a book....... I've got nothing else but this hole in my chest, and all I feel is the repetition,... another night I can't sleep,... another night I can't eat....... Haven't I said this already....... Wasn't it just yesterday, or the day before,... oh look, it's tomorrow, time to start the song over.......

    Like someone abused............

    Isn't it funny how it repeats,... yesterday is tomorrow. Lol

    There's a madness to this, cause I really find it funny, like crying, laughing, and bleeding all at once, maybe I'll smile in relief when it all ends....... Still don't know why though,... why am I here,... how did this ever have to happen.......