Blogs » Why?


  •      I find it so strange, that even though years have passed this "phase" they call has held fast. When I think of all the pain and suffering I went through, all the eyes that stopped and stared but were to blind to see the hurt. It makes me want to scream! Then again what's the point. They only hear what they wanna hear, They only see what they wanna see and don't think twice that they don't.

         I used to believe that if I grew up things would be better, that I wouldn't have to fight the voices in my head. That by getting away from it all I would be happier and more at peace. But its a lie I told myself to try and keep pushing forward. It's a lie that I thought if I said it enough it would come true.

         My mental state back then was like I was in a cold, dark, and damp well, there were times I tried to crawl out just to have me reach the top and have my fingers crushed by the weight of the people above and fall back down. it was an endless cycle of climbing and falling over and over again. There were times I just let the well take me, but even the well didn't want me.

         After awhile I finally had help climbing out of the well, a man reached down his arm and help this broken child up. For the first time in a long time I could see light and colors, I could hear sounds. I was able to smile. I ended up marring the man who pulled me out of the well. We built a home and I learned to love myself I grew flowers near the well and it grew more and more beautiful everyday.

         But as time went on the Love you's changed and everything the man said made me question myself. The flowers I grew started to fade and wilt, if not turn to ashes in my hand. The once beautiful garden was being destroyed. I'm trying to hold on to hope that maybe it will be better tomorrow, because we do have our good days. But I find myself drown in more and more back to the well. 

         It wasn't so bad. I got to sleep and I didn't have to eat cause I wasn't hungry, there was no way I could be a burden anymore if I just laid down there. maybe the mans life would be better without me. He could follow his dream, he could find someone better then me(he wouldn't have to try hard)

         We try so hard to push though and get better and we tell ourselves it will, but will it? Or will it slip though our fingers over and over again? Why put ourselves through the pain of trying when we know were just going to fail? Why talk to anyone when you know they are all gonna talk behind your back anyway?

    I just don't see the point anymore