my fault

  • all  my life ive been wondering why is all this happening to me? why am I going through all of this if i never did anything wrong? well, now i know why i was suffering so much: it was all my fault.

    i cant remember the last time i was totally happy, when i was a baby i guess then i was.

    around the age of 7 my father left, i blamed myself for it, i mean what else is kid that age going to think?

    anyway, i kept living. 

    my mom got a boyfriend; the most horrible human being (after my sister of course).

    my sister is the most disgusting, horrible, meanest fucking person ive met. shesh been psychologically torturing me since the first day. the worst thing is: i asked for a sister, its all my fault.

    going back to my moms bf, whom i was afraid of. the first incident was when i was little and he decide to grab me by my private parts. i told my mom about thiss and she didnt even do anything about this. this is how we start living a life we never deserved, or did we?

    he was mean to my mom, he was aggressive, sexual, disgusting. maybe my sister learned something from him about being a bad person. 

    i was in a private school, since i was 3 years old i had the same classmates and we were supposed to graduate together and go to the university together.  thats how schools were in my country.

    my classmates acted as if i was disgusting they would even run away from me and i just never really understood this. again, my fault for being disgusting.

    so that was my life until i was 13, i met this group of older people and i started drinking and being "slutty". it was the only way i felt like someone actually wanted me.

    my mom got cancer, we had to leave the country.

    when we got here we didn't have any money. it was really hard to adapt. i learned English really fast tho.

    i got friends and instantly lost them too.

    the man i talked about before had a huge fight with my mom and decided to abandon us. 

    we were all alone without money.

    i met a girl, she was my bestfriend, i loved her so much. she promised me so much. she broke her promises.

    after a year going on without friends and being hated by almost everyone. i started dating this one guy.  he physiscally abused of me. 

    all of this was happening and i was already self harming for years.

    i met this other guy, josh. fucking horrible human being. he promised me so much. he made me so happy we were together for half a year and nothing.

    ive attempted suicide so many times but ive realized that even to this day i don't want to die.

    if i wanted to die i would be dead already

    everything seems to be negative but ill keep fighting, an i will help others with their problems as well.