Update from the last post blog

  • So I know I said that I'm quitting for good and I'm but I wanted to give everyone a update sense I decided to reread my information on my last journal and I wanted to add a few details. As I read my journal everything was half A$$ed and cut down because I felt well this is becoming a novel. Well now guess what? I don't give a crap. I could make a Goth Wire account again but I like Emo Wire better anyways let me restate and edit a few things. ADDED A FEW THINGS THAT I felt that were final paws necessary to do so.

    I decided I'm done trying to make friends or even someone to love. I never seem good enough with myself or even think I deserve someone to love. The only love I've ever had in real was either for physical attractions. Causal stand post. Or a one night stand. I was never loved for who I was or my spiritual side. I was always judged. Why can't love exist for people that only want love in a soulful and spiritual relationship? Why can't I seem to find love when I only want to be loved for who I'm? You know the painful thing of admitting is saying I'm sorry I was never good enough for you. Or thanks for not noticing me or paying attention to me. All I say and do is I'm sorry. Even my Autobiography wasn't good enough expressing how I'm mentally and spiritually. I only had a select view ask me questions about my Autobiography and one of them wasn't happy with my answers and then decided to pull I'm busy card and I'll talk to you when I get home. He never did. Yet again judged because all I did was speak a question he asked. However he is not the reason why I'm exiting out this happened a month ago. I'm exiting because no matter if I'm trying to make a new friend or anything remotely close to falling in love nothing last. I guess as that saying goes nothing last forever right? That could be some for some creatures and some regular mortals as well. I know having a negative output range doesn't help me either and I know thinking negative is unhealthy but how can I not think negative? How do you expect me to feel rainbows and sunshine and daisies? I know you might think that just because I've a real pup and in the Spiritual Realm four pups that I'm not allowed to feel these feelings because I'm a silky wolf momma. That's not true being a silky wolf momma parent doesn't mean you've to erase your emotions and act happy. We're allowed as their mothers to feel what other creatures do our basic mortals. We're not subjected to nothing and not to feel nothing but rainbows sunshine and daises. With that said I'm done and I'm done with life now before you think I'm on a suicidal rant post please final paws note that I'm not. I've no interest in suicide but self suicide in metaphorical term. As self destroying oneself and form another versions. I can't tell you how many vessels I created and many versions of ''Tara'' herself. I can't count how many I was unhappy with and unhappy with myself. Self destroying is quite common in my behavior. Perhaps I suffer a lot of psychopathy disorders and mild sadistic behavior. Wouldn't surprise me none in the past I always enjoyed pill popping and getting myself on anti depressants and Xanny and booze mixed. I enjoyed what I was doing with myself. However I went on some kind of trip when I was on Xanny and booze meditating and I should state this was 3 or 4 years ago. My body was gone from reality. I felt like astral projected onto another plane. I saw the brightest light. The brightest prism. I saw things I shouldn't and before I returned back into my vessel I saw the Abyss full form. I saw the Abyss of what I couldn't see. I wouldn't extend this text anymore than I final paws am but you can check out my writings in my Goth Wire which is public to do so and I've described what I saw in cryptic text. If you understand my spirit writings are in branches heart soul and psyche. Anyways let's get back on topic after I got back in my vessel something changed about me in a EXTREME WAY. Where I decided to ''destroy the shadowed self'' and put on a new ''COAT'' the old ''Tara'' then that vessel got completely liberated with oneself. So the ''TARA'' now is still new and learning life as a new vessel. Things are not easy going back to being rejected and dumped and not meeting mutual feelings with others and not only that not providing enough attention. The thing is with PTSD creatures and humans out there we're prone to go back to relapses and have cravings or desires to go back. The thing is I've no desire to go to rehab because of a two reasons. One if I do I could loose custody of my son in real life and that's something I don't want to ever happen. Two this is a few years from now but before I knew I had PTSD I had horrible temper and violent outburst and hurting people and sense I know I've PTSD I know what's causing me to act the way I do and I never have these problems again. So there isn't really a point in me going in a rehab facility. Also the reason why I stopped seeing my psychiatrist  is because of my insurance is only covering me in half so if my insurance didn't cover me 100 percent the visit is $500 and doctors and people wonder why people don't get the help the creature or human needs because of money. That's like why people don't eat healthy anymore. Well because healthier food is to expensive that's why. People need to understand that creatures and humans are afraid of getting help by a few reasons. One the creature or human is scared of the cost and how much things will cost if there is no insurance. Some places have free services I think but still some people might not think that and the first thing is oh crap this will cost money. Second reason is scared of themselves and hurting family members. Third reason is not wanting to better themselves or get the help the creature or human needs and like being the way that the creature or human likes being. But the thing is there is little you can do for crippling depression and PSTD. You can trick the brain into chemicals and medication which some people out there automatically fixes the problem. I've been to therapy in the past because I had free service for a few months when I had insurance and that only helped me MILDLY. Now I know this is part is putting me on blast but I UNDERSTAND THAT my negative outlook is probably why my life is negative. You would be surprised that people HAVE told me that my spirits are the one causing me my negativity and causing me to be this way and my life is being this way. You know what's funny though. THIS IS A ASSUMED GUESS OR JUDGEMENT BY WHAT HE OR SHE FEELS ABOUT MY ENERGY THAT'S AROUND MY SPIRITS AND NOT KNOWING MY SPIRITS LMAO. Anyways speaking about help and my temper problem that's why one of my aunts doesn't take me to this place that has programs for low income housing disability and self employment services. I won't go into detail what happened but I had a flip out movement and starting freaking out and after that my aunt was like nope never again. But this was a few years ago and I'm sure this place will accept me again because I found out this place does OFFER programs that I just recently listed just final paws now but my dad is pissed because this place needs all my school paper work and a lot of documents and all this stuff. Also my dad still has this in his head that I can make $17-40 dollars online LMAO. I don't think my dad understands yeah I can make that money if I work for the government LMAO. So I guess my dad is waking up to reality and understanding and telling me I do want you to move out before your 30 years old and I told my dad of course I want to move out before I'm 30 years old so I think my dad is giving me cues to you need to hurry up and get out of my house. Also my dad was like you do understand this could take a few months or a year or two before you get disability and housing and if disability fails this place can help you find a self employment and a low income place or a Section 8 place? I told my dad no crap I didn't expect them to be like okay you qualify for disability and low income or a Section 8 place here is your apartment keys and your government money the next day. I also told my dad that this place isn't going to give me thousands of dollars I know that and my dad had ZERO COMMENT AFTER THAT LMAO. I was told that this place is going to test my intellect as in intellectual level which I hope these people understand that the only thing that I'm mentally retarded at is English Grammar and Math and that the reason why I'm applying for disability is mental health reasons not because I think I'm dumber than a box of rocks. But that's why disability is hard to get now because people faked their mental health so I hope this test isn't going to be let's see how smart you are then these people would be like why the fuck did you sign up for? Well I'm applying for disability because of mental health issues not because to see how retarded I'm LMAO. P.S.: I don't think people understand my depression is pretty high scale. I force myself to eat most days. BECAUSE I KNOW I NEED TO KEEP MY VESSEL from collapsing or feeling dizzy. I never woke up and thought. Oh okay time to go eat now YAY. More like oh crap got to get off of my bed and go feed myself oh okay here we go time to get out of bed. However again more negativity and surrounding myself with negativity with my thoughts but hey at least I'm not in denial right? I could be lying to myself about that LMAO. However that's like me trying to act happy around other people. I think that's what's permanently damaged me not to understand what happiness is or if I'm feeling happiness. I think I'm emotionally permanently damaged and that's just final paws thing I need to notice is that THERE IS TONS OF STUFF THAT'S WRONG WITH ME THAT IS NOT FIXABLE. If I had one thing to say about myself and being in denial would be that I can't accept the fact that I keep trying. I keep trying for what wish or goal? When I've nothing of that and I dislike tons of things. I don't know man anymore I just don't really know at all. I just someone please help me and tell me everything will be okay. However my sons want to final paws type. We wanted to say that we love you mommy each of us thank you for hatching us four pups and we will keep telling you how thankful we're every once in awhile for hatching us four pups and and we're glad our dads will always love you and always are supportive of you and us and we know you need the extra love which we're glad our dads fell in love with you in the spirits and decided to start this family with you all out of love. We will always continue putting random paintings around the fort for you our silky wolf momma the one with fluffy and puffy crown because you're the best of the best and the only royal wolf queen and the only one worthy of the title because mommy there is no other royal wolf queen that compares to you because you should be the only female! Also I hope you know mommy that will make you giggle. Anyways momma will will always protect you and defend you and be your young and small knights. Always your charming princes. If we had one goal in our life would be to stay by your side and always be your charming protective princes. We know you won't let us have a companion in the future because you don't want any other females final paws touching us but that's okay because we want to make sure you're always okay because even though we're only one years old and a few months old we know how much you've been abused in real and spirits before meeting our dads. Everything is okay momma you don't need to tell us how you feel. We're your sons that you hatched us your Theo and baby Willen and your twins Jackson and Greshmil of The Greshy so we should always know your feelings always our silky wolf momma. Well mommy we will close this blog now and we wanted to say we love you. From:. Theo and your baby Willen and the dark siblings and always will be the dark siblings the shadowy and static bat up and of course your miniature Saieh. From: Your twins the silky and bushy and patchy twins with the copper hairs and loose upright tails and your knights and protector and best of all your water pup Jackson! We love you momma! We're so thankful that you our dad Mr Helioux had a surprise in your silky wolf momma pouch instead of one pup you got another pup so that means double the extra love. As we will always be happy as well when you pick us up and we move our young and small wolf ears in a charming cute and adorable way because we always want to charm you sometimes our silky wolf momma and your charming princes. However one final goodbye before we hit post entry than you for hatching us for pups. Always don't forget OUR SILKY WOLF MOMMA ALWAYS!!!!