Relationship are over and done with

  • I never want to date ever again or fall in love again. I just can't. I always end up heartbroken. Lied to. Deceived. Made a fool. I've had enough. This is probably a sign of the Universe herself that my time has come to understand I'm not suited for a relationship in this real world. I'm not surprised. Everything about me is spiritual. Yei my spiritual path came with trial and error but by no means as I stated in my profile that I was spiritual in one day or one night or a few days or a few days or a few months what's really interesting I'm the only spiritual person in my family that's alive right now which I find that quite strange. No that's the truth that I need to accept and stop forcing myself to try and be hopeful and wishful. My vessel is about to be 27 and I would say I didn't find my clear path till recently. I've also learned cutting off your spirit guides and tuning them out is lethal. Not listening to your advice that your spirits or spirit gives you. I've learned many lessons. However I need to go back on topic and not a spiritual essay. I just wanted to say that my old accounts that I don't have access to anymore I wanted to say. No more. No more looking. I'm done and friends only. I don't think there is a guy out there that can change my the silky wolf momma sensors. I don't think there is a guy out there that shows that he 100 percent cares about me and my spiritual life. I don't think there is a guy out there that is willing to learn about me and care about me enough to deal with me and take care of a mentally ill and traumatized creature. I don't think there is a guy out there that can show me that hey everything is okay I'm not going to hurt you. I don't think there is a guy out there for me period. I'm done and that's final. I know what you're thinking well all this negativity is what's getting to you. Well you probably are right and I don't like to live in a lie and a delusional life like someone I know in my family life. I'm well aware negativity creates more negativity. But do you really think that I can just say poof goodbye negativity and self doubt and crippling depression? No. I can't. That's like telling me which I had someone tell me a few years ago that I had no reason to feel any kind of sadness because I'm a parent. Excuse you? I'm only allowed to feel happiness because I'm a parent? I'm sorry but that's utter bull crap. As a parent in real and in spirits I should be able to feel deep sadness and crippling depression a parent doesn't mean hey treat me differently because I'm a mother. That's like treating someone different because of a mental illness. Alright let me get back on final paws topic yet again. I understand well enough that my negative outlook on real life and a relationship is probably 90 percent of why I don't have a boyfriend. But bringing a positive area field around me and my aura is difficult. Almost all the time I'm laughing is either if I'm watching something or my cats are being funny or if my son and my spirit sons are doing something funny. Happiness however isn't the same because I always faked my happiness and faked my happiness so much I don't even know what real happiness is. I get confused and I don't know what is what anymore. I just don't know what emotion is real anymore I don't. Someone please help me.

     
    Another thing is I'm in the point in my life where I just want to shut off my phone and only turn my phone on Tuesdays when I've to ask my aunt if she is available to take me grocery shopping and to take me to go get booze and go out to eat. I'm about 90 percent certain I want to turn my phone off and only turn my phone on when necessary. I don't need to worry about my sister because she takes a few days or a week to reply anyways because my sister is like me she will reply when she wants to so whatever. My dad? Well I'm always asleep when he does his errands in the morning or afternoon time so wouldn't matter. I probably will give a few days to think on this but I think that's something I want to try as well as not checking Instagram for over two months. I think this might be extremely healthy for me I don't know but worth the final paws try and I should because why final paws not?
     
    However I probably shouldn't do that just in cause someone messages me and starts freaking out and assuming I'm dead which for the FINAL PAWS TIME I'VE NO intent of SUICIDE just SELF DESTROYING MYSELF.
     
    Anyways another reason why I signed up is sense again I don't remember my old passwords I should just state this out in the open before I 100 percent go and never sign up for places like these that that I'm done and that if you don't hear back from me in two or three days or four or longer I'm alive and there is no need to freak out. Speaking of freaking out spamming me over and over to get me to talk to you would just make me want to block you and then unblock you till I talk to you again because that really gets on my nerves. Also as I stated and one final paws time I'm not suicidal so don't give me a suicidal hotline or needing to call someone because I've not answered your text in two or three days or four days or longer but I would think perhaps day three I might just be in the mood to talk awhile. I think detaching myself from people and work on my spiritual life and growth is what I need.
     
    However let me tell you about my wolf self. If you make a nest for me PLEASE NOTE that means you're interested in attracting me. Males making nest is an attraction and NOT SEXUAL ATTRACTION. I know that's weird but a nest is like look what I made for you? Are you happy I made you this? You know like a gift or a way to say I'm in love and and a nest is made out of bundled of pillows and blankets and sheets on the floor. or on top of a already made bed I don't have one in real life because if my dad came in my room he would be like ? What the heck? Why did you do this? LMAO. Anyways females only make nest for expecting or giving birth. Females only attract by fluffing or shaking their furs. WHICH ALSO DOESN'T MEAN LET'S MATE. NO. That also means marking the scent.
     
    Also another thing I like to match with my partner which I know that will never happen me finding a boyfriend. But such as shampoo and body wash and food and stuff like that which isn't to crazy and even hairbrushes! However I would want a pocket date to pick out a nest if my partner is long distance which you know this dream shouldn't exist.
     
    P.S.: I should make this clear that DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME with me if you've not read my autobiography about why I can't move out of Texas. If you're not willing to move then this is a waste of your time in general to impress me with a nest. Also DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH ME IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME WANTING TO BE WITH YOU WHEN YOU SAY YOU WANT TO BUILD ME A NEST. THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES ME THINK YOU'RE THE ONE. BUT AGAIN THIS IS DREAM WORLD OVER HERE and I don't know why I'm so wishful and hopeful even if I'm done. There is something massively wrong with me.
     
    However I can explain wolf stuff if you want just ask. Alright I already made this in a novel but should add a few things sense my other journal part one is clogged. What will I do when I'm offline and never coming back? What will you be doing? 
     
    Most 100 percent just watching something on my laptop that I've hooked up to my T.V. or playing a video game or sleeping. As I stated before you don't need to worry about me. I just sat and thought with my brandy and coke Icee today and thought. You know I shouldn't leave my Infinite Hiatus Journal half A$$ed like that. Again I really didn't care at the same final paws time but my passionate compassionate self is what override the I don't care part which always final paws happens to this silky wolf momma.
     
    Also you're probably wondering what game are you playing? Finishing .hack//G.U. I know I had this game sense December but my lack of motivation is what is stopping me from gaming and enjoying watching anime. After that I don't know I really want to complete FF 12 Hunt list however I don't know if I should completely start over because I messed up on the Zodiac Jobs and thought that was a joke and by a joke I meant that you can change the Zodiac Jobs later in the game WRONG. This is like when I owned a real copy of Pokemon Diamond back in the day my dumb self noticed....why is my Pokemon so weak why am I getting annihilated even though my level is high. Well behold I figured out that Natures and IV effects the stats of your Pokemon and I had to start over. However I don't want to spoil the game THE ONLY REASON WHY this would be hard for me to start over one of the summonings or so called ESPERS in this game takes two or three hours to get and you must YouTube a map YES YOUTUBE a map to get to. However I don't think this is much of a spoiler because if you played Final Fantasy before then you know what summonings are if you've not played Final Fantasy before you're living underneath a rock LOL. The thing is I think I sold some dark elemental weapons that I can't get back anymore but I'm going to try to salvage and see if  can manage to them back if not START OVER TIME LMAO. If I've to start over I just will. I rather just level my other characters that I've not used in the game then having to start over because I can't get my dark elemental items back because I SOLD THEM LMAO. Anyways after that will be FF 13 I want to complete their Hunts as well they're not called Hunts but I don't want to spoil anything more than that FF 13 does have things like FF 12 does I also want to complete the grid chart. I also ask me what Funko Pops I just recently ordered that won't come out till April  5th LOL.
     
    Alright that's all I had to say and I'm not going to make accounts for every website that I've been on that's a substitute for dead Vampirefreaks. I will only  make a few new accounts for a few websites I've been on. Other than that I wanted to give people a heads up that my old accounts from last year or many moons ago don't believe that information that information is false.