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Negative source in Life

  • May 16, 2020

    Today I have decided to take up on some advice I was given a while ago.  Someone I had met on here had told me I should try meditating. I resisted at first.  Meditation didn't work for me in the past.  I wouldn't sit still for long, or be easily distracted. Today, that changed.  I couldn't deal with the negativity that is living inside me.  I had enough.   I didn't think I was gonna go through with it as the noises from my family would most likely get to me quicker.  I wouldn't focus, I had thought.  Then I did.

    Before I had meditated, I was stressed and annoyed.  I gave up on everything.  I was depressed and felt so alone.  All my wishes and destiny was thrown away as if it was a meal from Hell's Kitchen and Gordon Ramsey thrown up because of it.  I lost hope.  I was done feeling that way.  I was done of being so miserable.  The best way to battle through a powerful negative source is by meditating.  A way of relaxing myself and send positive waves through my mind and body.   For some reason, it struck that was the first step.  I was scared that my past would shoot in my face while I'm doing it; however, I knew I had to give it a chance.  

    I did it in my room.  I can't really be by my dad when he's drunk.  He gets annoying a little bit and messes with me too much.  Plus he goes on some kind of rant about something and his slurs get hard to focus on what he's saying.  So, I stayed locked in my room, where to me, it's safe.  I listened to music to keep myself focused.  I figured if the music was loud enough I could stay focused and calm.  Sitting in the middle of my bed, music purring in my ears, I felt myself full relax.  I had a struggle for a moment; parts of my body itching and twitches.  I was able to keep my mind off it for a moment. For that moment, I didn't really feel my body, although I could tell that I could move, or was moving. I felt like air.  I felt like I was floating.  In the air.  I could hear the music and see a place surround me.  Bright, yet not so bright.   I would have to say I was either in some kind of desert or on a rock bed.  Later, I started to hear this voice, a women's voice.  To me this women, I know her.  At least, I think so.  Her voice sounded familiar, yet I didn't know who she was.  But I did or was going to.  Her voice was very helpful.  It was hushed and gentle.  Sweet and calming.  Peaceful and firm.  She was guiding me through the meditation, keeping me from moving.  Keeping me so focused. She told me to not open my eyes until my mom came home from work.  That was a challenge.  She began to tell me what I wanted to hear, what I needed to do.  I had to change.  Change what I do to what I need to do. I was accepting that and by accepting it, I was feeling the Positivity rushing in my body.  She even told me about a lover I was to be having.  Someone I will meet.  A girl who loves to sing.  Her power is with music that she creates.  She loves to sing.  It has been on my mind to find love, but I was too scared to admit it.  However, in order for me to meet her, I have to unfold in the change.  Completely focus on school, keep my health in life. Focus on the positivity to keep the peace.  The vision went from rock to being water.  Sitting up in my bed, I started to feel something wrong.  Something dark was circling me.  I heard the voice tell me to move from my position, lean forward of my bed, my legs hanging from the bed.  I do such that easily without really feeling that I was moving.  I was then told to lay down, I was on a boat.  I do such that.  I don't feel anything touch my back other than softness.  Again, I was feeling darkness, its cold and I'm rocking slightly rough, rather tilting to the left.   My heart started speeding.  The voice was telling me to relax to which I tried.  I began rocking more until all of the sudden, I am struck by some powerful source and made me spring up.  I felt slightly dizzy but not enough to not stood up.  I felt better mentally, but was, and still am, confused.  I don't know what that was.  The source that struck wasn't from someone I know.  Thinking more about it, it isn't from my mom, who is angry about her day at work.  It was someone that I will soon meet.  Someone, who most likely lives outside of my state.  With how I am feeling of my mom's negative energy, they aren't the same.  Her's is more stronger than the one that hit me.  It was weird. 

    I have much to learn about what happened with me.  I didn't think spiritual things like that could happen.  I didn't really believe them until now.  I'm thankful for it.  Now, I owe it to that voice who helped me.  I need to try and keep this promise that I will commit to the changes I need to do.  I really want to, now I really need to.  I'm not just doing this because of my health, education and love.  No.  I am doing this because I have a destiny.  I have been doing research on things not many do.  Research I had given up on.  Much more I had given up on.  My people of my past, present, and future depend on the changes I need to do.  In order to see what happen's, I must do this for my and my people's destiny.  I cannot give up like I had done again.  I have to do this. 

    I don't know what my first step is.  I don't think I will know what the source came from today, or who the voice is.  For what I need to do before I get there will depend on tomorrow.  Right now, I need to focus on positivity. I hope I can do this.  I believe in myself more than I usually do, so I should be able to.

    I wonder if you guys thought this was interesting.  I don't know why, but I felt the need to share this.  Not many may read it. I just needed to document this in hope that something may change when I do this.  Change, a word I used to be afraid of.  I think most of us hated change, but I guess sometimes we need to embrace it.  It sucks, I know, but I am sure it'll be worth it.  I want to say thank you to the friend that gave me that advice, but their account has been deleted, to which I am sadden by.  If you ever come by this, thank you.  I wish I had gotten your name.  You were very wise.

    Take care everyone, and please stay safe.

    - EmoNightmare.  A.K.A: Ash R. <3