Blogs » Before you call me crazy part one

Before you call me crazy part one

  • * Sensitive topic ahead. Don’t read if you’re in a very depressed mood today or in a very dark place of your mind. This is a trigger warning.

    So I’ll probably be taking a break here for awhile my head is filled with self doubt and why people hate me. I feel bad for asking why someone doesn’t want to talk to me anymore or do you like talking to me. I’ve gotten two blocks recently asking do you like talking to me? I also discussed about I’m putting my phone down for a few hours because I don’t feel like talking this seems to come out aggressive to some people and I don’t understand or have any comprehension of this behaviour being reflected onto that person. I know there is a few people I pissed off because I told them I wait for them to text me. I always feel like a bother. I question tons about myself. My existence. Who I’m. Why do I have to exist here in this physical plane. What is wrong with me. What if. But you get the gist of what I’m saying. However I understand that this is probably a strand of past trauma. I’ve heard and researched childhood or teenage trauma can effect someone permanently. Some struggle for years or feels like an eternity to find self acceptance and self love or some don’t find that at all and constantly fight themselves which is what I’m and I self combat myself tons. I’ve also been a victim of sexual and physical abuse which I was forced to see a psychologist about possible having PTSD. Which I’ve. I also have papers but if people want to see them for proof I’ll will be editing my name out and good luck reading my doctor’s hand writing did take me ages to read his handwriting. I needed his paperwork to get beneficial help from a health centre place which also adds up to more me than health issues such as. Chronic depression. Mild adaptive behaviour I quite don’t understand what this means even researching. Autism however the psychological tester didn’t say what kind I had as their purpose was to test me to see what I qualify for benefits. I also had borderline intellect disorder which now I guess doctors are replacing the term borderline mentally retarded. I don’t understand these either my communication score was 61. Daily living skills is 58 which I don’t understand how because I’m functioning and can do daily house task. My socialisation score is 42 which sounds like to me barely functional. My IQ was 79 I know my IQ was no higher than 85 so 79-85 I would’ve to look at the paper. That’s probably because I failed at half of the math problems the tester was asking and I could only do 8th grade comprehension reading. The tester would ask if I knew what this word meant etc. I’m still waiting on another update for my caseworker for further going into my benefits etc.

    * This is a massive trigger warning please don’t read this if you’ve lost a loved one to murder! If you’ve and can’t read this I completely understand. My mother was murdered because I didn’t want to be in that abusive and sexual relationship anymore. I didn’t think he would drive the distance to randomly show up at my parent’s house and he came after my dad left for work and busted in. While my mother shield herself my son hid and he was 4 or 5 at the time while I ran to call the police. If you don’t believe me there is a 911 report online I can show but you would’ve to be a demented person to make up stuff what I typed out. He also held me down as I herd him come closer to where I was hiding before I busted free right as the police busted the door open. I didn’t even see my son or anywhere. But according to my son he said he saw everything. What I saw and the only thing I saw when I got out was my mother’s blood smeared on the wall. I’m sorry but I can’t keep typing this but I’m sorry but let me end this.

    * please don’t tell me to get over myself about what happened about my sexual abuse and mental abuse. In May first would be the fourth year sense my mother has been gone from me and things won’t just go poof bye! If you think someone can magically get over the trauma I’ve been through you’re completely nuts and you’re the one that’s crazy not me!

    * if you had what has happened to me sense I’ve been alive I can guarantee you wouldn’t be the same person and you never will be

    * if you don’t like that I’m a single parent and can’t be friends with me I’m sorry you feel that way but please have respect and don’t ask a almost 28 year old mother for nudes and don’t disrespect me

    * the guy that is now dead by the police is not the father of my son. I don’t feel it’s appropriate to discuss getting full custody to a random person. That’s too personal. I’m down about answering questions but not to personal! That includes what happened on that day May first in detail I will not talk about that! Also for my blogs when you read them I will answer questions just remember if it’s too personal just respect my boundaries! Good day!

    * do I do anything about my problems? I was forced to see a therapist and a psychiatrist or I would go to jail for my frantic behaviour as I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I no longer have insurance and I’m trying to fight to get that back so I treat myself with meditation and spirituality and remembering a samurai code Jin and holistic herbs or holistic medication like GABA and HTP-5 if I get into a frantic haze again and take other things. Such as passionflower and I’ve not tried lemon balm as that’s hard to find. Magnesium as well before bed helps along with Valerian ever sense I’ve been taking Valerian my sleep issues from PTSD and frantic thinking before bed has massively been reduced. However don’t purchase Nature Way as I think that’s ineffective for me. Yeah I’ve tried melatonin but I got tired of gummy form and is more expensive than Valerian. For Valerian at Walmart you can get a 100 count under $4 and the secondary best is Now brand which is under $7 and Solaray is third because that one takes longer to kick in. I know it’s not fun taking three pills every other day but I found without Valeiran my sleep would’ve been extremely jacked up. I know this because I decided to stop taking Valerian for a whole week and to my surprise guess what happened? My sleep was jacked up and I was up at 6-7 a.m. in the morning my mind racing and couldn’t sleep. So never again without Valerian. Yeah Valerian is smelly but that doesn’t bother me also with flavoured water things taste as normal. Another thing as well I’ve researched Valerian root is also what helps ween off past Xanax users as well.

    * I’m also awful at conversations be prepared to also feel frustrated that I can’t think of anything but go ahead and block me because I’m misunderstood. I’m sorry but this is the last time I’ll say this but you’ve to be demented to fake this trauma out to everyone on this site for attention. I mean that’s fucked up in so many ways. Also if you plan to message me harassing things I’ll block you and report you. I’m not crazy or psychopathic or insane you’re. You want to tell me to grow up and get over myself from all the trauma I’ve been through. Just no!

    * I do have a personal blog that is a few links long that is a must to read. Please understand you’ve plenty of time to read. Even a week or two just let me know when done!

    If you want my contacts look at my photo album. I only have what you see listed besides Google Hangouts if you’ve that you can message me on either one of those platforms I’ve that you would like to GH instead.