Just venting, no need to read this

  • I’m not sure how it even started, some chat website somewhere? I don’t know. All I know is that we got along and had fun together, talking all day and night on kik. I guess I always knew she liked me in the back of my head. Did I like her? Maybe. I guess I’ll never know that answer… 

    We talked all the time, about everything. We talked about music, friends, past relationships, we even made plans to meet up in the future. I should have realized it was getting too serious when she talked about the house she wanted to live in with me when we were older. “We”, as if there was a “we”. 

    She always had issues. I knew about the self harm but I couldn’t judge or tell her to stop. I should’ve realized it was getting out of hand when she sent me pictures though. Talking about how she brought me up in school. Why? Why would she do that? We didn’t live anywhere near each other and there was no chance we were ever gonna date, right? And the other students were horrible to her. They saw the scars and they were relentless. But did she have to carve MY FUCKING NAME into her arm? 

    She had essentially no home life, essentially non-existant parents and a sister who was more work than a sibling, so who did she turn to? Her friends? Apparently she had none, so it was just me. Me me me. God, is it sick to say that a part of me actually liked the attention? I was wanted, needed, craved. It was never sexual but it was nevertheless very emotional. I knew pretty much everything about her but she barely knew anything about me. And I only became more distant once A came into my life.

    I didn’t tell A about the things I was saying to her. The sick, twisted way I kept a doomed relationship with a doomed girl alive. She had no one else, so she relied on me. Eventually this dependence turned into what she thought was love, and she made that clear. One of my biggest regrets in my life to this day is that I reciprocated a love that simply was not there, and worst of all, I knew it. But day in and day out, I talked to her and let her spill her soul to me. Day in and day out, I hid these two girls from each other. I wouldn’t call it cheating, but I would call it a fucked up mistake. And finally, day in and day out, I talked to her a little less with each conversation, barely telling her anything and yet still telling her I loved her. Jesus, love? I loved her? Of course I didn’t. Why would I EVER tell her that?

    Eventually A found out what was going on and I decided to cut ties. I had known her much longer than A, she was suicidal, and she loved me. But it was the right choice, right? I should choose the real girl who is really there, and really dating me, not some fake relationship online with some silly girl who didn’t know better than to trust me. 

    Somehow she found A’s phone number and sent her some vaguely threatening texts about how she’d “better not hurt him” and to “be careful what she does”. I knew exactly who sent the texts as soon as I read them. I had to end this pseudo-relationship once and for all.

    I’m a fucking monster…

    I let her go. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but I let her go. She sent me messages making it clear she was going to end it, but I made my choice. I had to let her go. There was no way we could be together, but there was no way she was going to accept a life without me. So I read her goodbye messages, took a deep breath, and did nothing. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? This is it, a friend of yours is going to leave and never come back, and you’re doing nothing? 

    After that night, nothing. I made one or two vain attempts at reaching out to her, but I knew it was too late. They weren’t even read… Face it, your friend is gone. She loved you, you led her on, and she loved you so much that she was too blind to see it. You sat and watched as she dug herself into a hole so deep that she’d rather die than try to get back into her life once you confessed to your deception.

    So there you have it. Another sad life cut short far too young because of a misplaced love that never should have been. Another tale of deceit that once again ends in tragedy. Another friendship lost for all of the wrong reasons. That poor girl…

    What was I thinking?